No, we are not to that part of the book yet. We’ve only just begun, after all. It is my desire to reassure you, dear reader, that I have not abandoned this project. I have been convalescing from a long-expected surgery.
During the pre-surgery and recovery I did at times feel like there was no writing left within me. I’ve since been disabused of that notion as of two weeks ago when I enjoyed one of the single greatest creative writing sessions of my life. I suspect that the lack of creativity has something to do with my personality type.
According to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I am classified as an INTP or “Logician” type. How a Logician can be creative I’m not sure, but still it stands. One of the chief things I share with my fellow INTP brethren (and sisters…would that be “sistren”?) is that I spend the majority of my life happily in my head and not my body. I hate it when my body makes itself known. I want to stay in my head full of interesting ideas, worlds of my own creation, as well as theological and philosophical exercises. Any intrusion by the body is a distraction from the playground I want to be in. Exercise and chores are extremely tedious to me. Illness sends me into fits of frustration, although the occasional fever-dream can be quite diverting. Overall, I want to ignore my body and think my thoughts. During the summer when I’m in the pool I want to lay in the water with the edge of the pool supporting my neck, close my eyes, and drift aimlessly through my mind palace. Having children makes this almost impossible.
It’s important for me to admit that while I was recovering this spiritual life I’m espousing in this blog disappeared for me. I couldn’t find the wonder, majesty, and joy of being a child of a limitless, fiercely loving, amazing God. I was too distracted by the discomfort and difficulty of doing the simplest everyday tasks. I was frustrated to no end with how feeble and pointless I felt. Everyday I felt like I was thinking through sludge or, most often, that my ability to think deeply was cut off entirely. I was so irritated by the entire situation that I almost rejected many of the thoughts that led to the creation of this blog to begin with.
However, I could not deny the reality of what I had experienced before. I had to trust that I wasn’t making it up. It wasn’t some wishful thinking exercise. It was real. It had happened.
Slowly my ability to think properly came back again and I revisited the thoughts and suppositions that led me to were I was when I started. Over time I was able to reconfirm it all, and I am almost back to that place where the winter snow and ice have melted back at the shake of Aslan’s mane to bring spring again.
About six months ago I watched “Paul, Apostle of Christ” and there were a ton of choices that I thought were bold and interesting. It’s an important movie for all Christians regardless of spiritual age. It is critically important to see how people suffered for the faith. Without understanding our history we can fall prey to a thousand errors of doctrine. But…the chief takeaway related to my recovery experience was the character of Paul.
We would like to believe the apostles were this group of serene, wise, and holy individuals who had it all correct. They would never be tempted to raise a hand or utter an angry word to another Christian, would they? They never got tired, hungry, frustrated, or doubtful.
There are several moments in the movies where the writers/directors have Paul be absolutely grouchy as well as doubt filled. He has these high moments of such surety and then in the next scene Luke is badgering him while his bones are aching and Paul snaps at him. It is the single most human portrayal of any apostle I’ve ever seen. Hangry Paul makes us all remember that God uses each of us at our best and our worst. I don’t need a halo ensconced Paul who is always perfect and wise as an example to try and follow. I need Hangry Paul who screws up and then apologizes once his blood-sugar level is back to normal.
For the past few months I’ve used that portrayal of Paul as a comfort and reassurance. By doing that I was able to begin to believe I would get back here, that my physical issues wouldn’t forever cloud my mind and experience of the LORD.
And it’s good to be back.
W
Finding Narnia 
And, dear writer, we are so glad to have you back. I hear you with the “body makes itself known.” I, too, want to live in my head and think my thoughts and write my words.
I saw the Paul movie over a year ago and, like you, was quite impressed at how “human” Paul was. It opened up a whole new understanding of him and his writings. Glad you enjoyed it and that it was helpful to you.
Waiting eagerly your next post.